Young Writers Society

Hey Conrad! I'm the second judge for the CIA contest, as I believe I told you a long time ago. Anyway, on with the review!

I love the abruptness of this piece. Normally, I wouldn't be the biggest fan of that, but I think it suits this piece very well. It's obvious that's what you were going for! There are, however, points in which there's just a tad bit too much abruptness. Kylan suggested giving us a little more detail to chew on, and I agree. While too much might weigh this story down, you need a little more. I had a hard time picturing much of anything. The bit when the man sends the money everywhere was kind of confusing. I had to read it over a few times. I also would have liked to have seen a little more plot. Again, not too much or it might ruin the story. Just a bit more meat, maybe?

Still, I really like this. It's kind of abstract and creative, and I liked that part of it. I'm sorry I could have given you a more in-depth review. There wasn't a whole lot to say because it was so good! So, happy writing, and good luck with the contest!

-Holly

Very good. I really liked the way you slowly revealed information.

At first I thought it was dog poop that someone had left as a vile joke

All those bills. Crisp, clean, green, oh they were intoxicating to look at.

I reached out for a bill that still fluttered high up. All at once I leaned out too far, and there was no ground beneath me. My scarf slipped off. It fluttered with the dollars for a moment, before coming to the pavement to join me.

This is one of the two complimentary critiques you get for entering CIA's money contest. The other will come from Bittersweet, CIA's guest judge.

All right, so normally I read the whole story and then critique, but I want to stop here and comment before I go any further.

I loved the first paragraph. Loved it. Even if the rest of the story ends up being terrible, the first paragraph will make up for it. Amazing introductions are extremely rare, but you managed to write one. Congrats! =]

Anyways, on to the rest of the story.

Hahaha, that was a cool story. =]

Anyways, the only thing I didn't like was that you stayed with the same style as your introduction throughout the whole piece. Vary everything; sentence structure, paragraph length, amounts of dialogue. It's very repetitive right now, which really hurts the piece.

Also, work a little more on the emotions when the crazy man goes after him and when the money's taken away. Does he freak out at this man taking crazy? Get pissed off? And make sure you don't just leave him emotionless when the money's ripped away from him – he needed that! Make him angry.

You could also slip in more details with the emotions. Does he grip the crinkling black… er… whatever railings are made of when he's angry? Does he nearly trip over the concrete steps trying to get up the stairs and away from the crazy man? Oh, and expanding on the crazy man's appearance would help. =]

It was a cute little story, and I liked it a lot. =]

PM me for anything!

~JFW1415

Conrad -

An interesting morsel. Kind of like a truffle after dinner. Nothing really too heavy about it, but enough to leave a fun aftertaste. Alainna gave some good line-by-lines. It's good advice, so use it. I would expand on this slightly. Not too much, or you'll overextend the welcome stay of a story like this. I would just put in a little more information about the main character and the setting. Where are they? Who is this guy? There is some fun in annonymity of this piece, but I think it would be more powerful if we were a little more intimate with the MC. Okay, he's an actor. That's all I know. I'm not even sure if he's male or not. But if you don't want to explore that, which is alright, I guess, then explore some description. They're in a stairwell. Do the stairs creak? What is the color of the walls? Is it a rundown apartment complex? The Illuminas guy. Does he have a beard? Does he have crazy looking eyes? He smells like the street -- that's good. I like it. But that's all. The scarf. Is it red? Is it like smear of blood against the sky as it flutters downwards? Talk to me, Conrad. Breathe some life into your settings.

Anyway. Nice job. Tweak the ending a little bit, like Alainna said, and you'll be okay.

-Kylan

Hey Conrad,

This was an intriguing piece from the start and although I don't know what the context of the contest is, I'm sure you'll do well.

A few nit-picks:

At first I thought it was dog poop

and soon my curiosity got the best of me.

Crisp, clean, green, oh they were intoxicating to look at.

And then he came along. I smelled him before he came along; he reeked of the street.

My heart sank into my gut and a tiny sound trickled out of my throat.

All at once I leaned out too far, and there was no ground beneath me. My scarf slipped off. It fluttered with the dollars for a moment, before coming to the pavement to join me.